Sometimes I get these overwhelming urges to just go. To disappear somewhere new by myself – no phone, no plan, no noise.

The thought of living a life that belongs to someone or something else terrifies me. And yet, that’s exactly what I’m doing. I know it because the quiet whisper in my gut has grown louder, and I have no idea how to soothe it. I crave freedom, but I’m trapped in the circumstances I’ve built.

Where would we even go – him, me, the dogs? What about his wants and needs? He doesn’t share this restlessness, and that’s okay, but it makes the ache worse. I want newness. And the impossibility of owning a home in this market only intensifies that need.

You know that feeling when you’re in the passenger seat and the driver brakes too early or too late, or turns when you thought they wouldn’t? Your body tenses because you can see the road ahead but can’t predict the motion.
That’s how I feel – like someone else is driving my life, and I can’t see their face. I think I know the direction, but every turn feels wrong, and I don’t know why.

Maybe it’s mental health behind the wheel. I’m in a better place than I was a year ago, but the imbalance inside still throws me off course.

People have always called me “different.” Sometimes I take pride in that. Other times it just feels like I don’t belong. The truth is, the world rewards those who fit in. I can adapt, edit myself, smile at the right moments, but I still hover on the edge.

This isn’t a pity party. I’m grateful for what I have, and I know I work hard for it. I’m not a slacker. But reflection feels necessary. Maybe growth starts there – trying to improve both personally and professionally, even when it’s exhausting.

Balancing the mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual parts of life feels like climbing a mountain without a summit. Maybe that’s the human goal – to keep searching for equilibrium, whatever that means. Maybe that’s fulfilment.

Is it possible?
I honestly don’t know.

Ever questioning…
– E

Nov 25, 2021